PARENTING- REFRESHING INSIGHTS

The Family Environment – Key to a Kid’s Positive Self-Esteem

Nathaniel Branden, the `Father of the Self-Esteem Movement,’ enlightens us with his valuable insight, “Clearly, however, the family environment can have a profound impact for good or for ill. Parents can nurture self-trust and self-respect or place appalling roadblocks in the way of learning such attitudes. They can convey that they believe in their child’s competence and goodness or they can convey the opposite. They can create an environment in which the child feels safe and secure or they can create an environment of terror. They can support the emergence of healthy self-esteem or they can do everything conceivable to subvert it.” (The Power of Self-Esteem)

“If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans

Understanding Our Own Emotions

The most difficult work is to gain an adequate understanding of our own emotions so that they are not controlling us while we think we are controlling our kids. If we understand that our real power is realized by finding our place in nature, by being true to ourselves, which is possible only by understanding our emotional lives, we can avoid many of the painful and destructive battles that constitute so many relationships between parents and children. For parents, then, it is an important turning point when we use reason to understand our own emotions rather than blindly wielding power to control our children.

by Seamus Carey, “Growing Up With Your Children.”

Looking at Yourself Through a New Lens

“In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities;                                                               in the expert’s mind, there are few.”            – Zen, Suzuki

Consider a real possibility : you already have the capability to be a more effective parent and your kids already have the capacity to be responsible, caring, and problem-solving kids. The first step to parenting towards solutions  is to look within yourself, identifying and learning about how your present skills can change into more effective parenting skills. Chances are that you are already successful somewhere- in your professional life, social life, outside leisure activities, or home life. Your kids may already be star soccer players… or kids who make friends easily…Even if your child/ adolescent is troubled at school, there may be days when he or she is not in detention and makes a passing grade. These are the `exceptions’ I encourage you to begin to notice and verbalize. They are the beginnings of seeing yourself and your kids differently. When you see things differently, you behave differently towards others and they, in turn, behave differently towards you.

Linda Metcalf, Ph.D. from “Parenting Towards Solutions”

The Importance of Prediction & Control

Consider the function of misbehavior from the child’s point of view. Misbehavior is the primary mode through which children learn self-control and the ability to predict how other people will respond to them. As parents, we worry about such things as developing morality and other qualities of good citizenship. But to young children, these concepts are hopelessly abstract; indeed, even if they could conceive of such ideas, they would not be the least bit interested in them. What they are concerned with is regulating their own behavior and mastering some basic social independent living skills... The psychologist, John B. Watson, stated that `the prediction and control of  behavior are the two goals of psychology.’ This is especially true of children.

Developing children are just beginning to struggle with aspects of prediction. Though they are not nearly as skillful as adults in anticipating problems or thinking far into the future, they are nonetheless busy with the work of learning how the world works… The concept of control is no less crucial… In order to control a situation, though, we have to understand it and be able to predict the consequences of various courses of action. Our ability to act effectively in a situation is intimately tied to our ability to understand it.

Peter Williamson, Ph.D. author of `Good Kids, Bad Behavior’