7 INSIGHTS ON TOXIC SHAME & GOSSIPS

Human flaws interlinked with toxic shame

OUR HUMAN FLAWS ARE INTERLINKED WITH SHAME

 Human beings are flawed in so many ways.

Some know they are flawed. Some can see their flaws and acknowledge them. They provide themselves with room for improvement to become good.

But some think they have no flaws. They really don’t know their flaws. And they can’t see them. So they don’t want to make room for their own improvement to become better human beings. So they choose not to see their flaws. They rationalize their `flaws’ in relative terms and to make themselves feel better about their flaws, they eagerly indulge in the psychological practice of `downward comparison’.

 More importantly, you need to see your flaws as they are. But see them in the big picture of your life. Don’t, please don’t, see your flaws through other people’s eyes.

Even worse still, don’t ever let your flaws be grossly distorted by your own imagination of other people’s gossips and slanders. Whatever other people are gossiping you amounts only to a black dot on the whole page of your life. It amounts to only a mere fraction of your whole life. Don’t imagine and exaggerate the size of the few black dots.

Don’t let your wild imagination transform the slanders and your mistakes in terms of absolute black and white. Don’t distort and blacken the whole page of your life with no white space in between. See your mistakes and blunders as they are- merely a few black dots. No more. No less. It does not matter what other people gossip about. The few black dots will not change and become malignant unless you allow them to be.

So look at your `enemies’ as gadflies and mosquitoes. They buzz a lot. Unless you react adversely, they are empty sounds of fury, signifying nothing.

Don’t do anything foolish by reacting negatively. Don’t shoot your feet or bang your heads on the wall just because some mosquitoes are buzzing around. Just let go of your negative perception of other people’s looks and stares.

Always remember, you can be your own worst enemy by looking at life with negative perceptions.

THE BIG PICTURE

 Look at the Big Picture –Be broad-minded. As George Eliot observed: `It is a narrow mind which cannot look at a subject from various points of view.’  `Life is generally a balance of gains and losses, a sort of “swings and roundabouts” situation, hopefully resulting overall in the reasonably satisfied feeling of having generally spent time and energy to the best advantage. Throughout life there will be lean phases and difficult patches, there will also be the occasional golden times and many in-between, unremarkable commonplace days and years… There is neither need nor justification for a person to give up and feel life is over, when a particular landmark is passed or a certain phase of life is finished. My horizon is always as wide as my gaze can encompass.’  (Dr. Ruth Fowke)

 food for thought

Remember that life is a big paradox. Nothing is completely black or white; good or bad. It is always a mixture of plus and minus, good and bad etc. There is a lot of truth in the Chinese yin-yang philosophy. There are always two or more sides to your problem or crisis. What you see is the negative/gloomy side. What you don’t see is the positive or optimistic side. Do a PMI (Plus, Minus & Interesting) brainstorming of your problem and focus on the interesting aspects. Look for the lessons from the crisis that will enrich your life. 

 

 THE NATURE OF GOSSIPS

Whenever we hear an opinion or rumor and believe it, we agree with it and it becomes part of our belief system. It does not matter whether it is true or not. Once we accept an opinion and agree with it, the opinion assumes a dimension  of `truth’. Unfortunately most people believe the gossips passed around to assassinate someone’s character either through word of mouth or through `poison pen letters’. According to the author of the book, “The Four Agreements”,  `Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison. We learned how to gossip by agreement… Emotional poison was transferred along with the opinions, and we learned this as the normal way to communicate..’

This author continues to compare gossip to a computer virus. This is a pretty apt analogy because one little computer virus can cause a tremendous amount of harm leading to a serious breakdown in human relationships. A small piece of misinformation or distorted opinion can undermine communication between people, causing every person it touches to become infected and contagious to others. To aggravate matters, in an effort to clear up the mess and confusion, you are forced to gossip about yourself and spread these viruses to someone else. In the process of trying to minimizing the damage to yourself, you risk making the messy situation even worse.

You need to laugh at yourself & rise above this life so that you can enjoy your life!

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! 

To counter the gossips, you must not take anything personally. Once you take it personally, obviously you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree, the emotional poison seeps into your system and the virus corrupts your mental system.

We fall prey to the trap because of our sense of personal importance. We need to protect our egos. It is wise to remember that what other people say or do is because of themselves, not because of you. They live in different worlds from the one you live in.

So when you take something personally, you are assuming that they know what is in your world. When someone passes an insulting remark in your presence, don’t take it personally because in reality, this rude person is dealing with his or her own negative feelings, beliefs and opinions. As long as you ignore and reject the emotional poison, the poison will boomerang and go back to the sender. But if you take it personally, it means you have accepted the poison and it becomes your poisoned gift. That is how black magic works in primitive societies. It becomes effective and deadly only if the victim believes in the power of the witch. So don’t take it personally when other people gossip about you.

By assuming this impersonal attitude, to a significant extent, you are immune to the poison in your world.

The malignant virus can only corrupt the minds of the gossipers.  

Based on my personal experience of gossip-induced toxic shame, the intense suffering has transformed my pain into love which gives me the privilege to share my insights with some suffering souls outside there- confused and lost in a different form of toxic shame.

Affirm to yourself not to take things personally. You are not the centre of the universe.

In reality you and I are mere specks of dust in this infinite universe!

So why bother to be upset when other people gossip about you?

Why bother? You will be here for only a very very short time. Here today and gone tomorrow! Don’t take their gossips personally. They are like smoke blown across your face and will be gone in a short while.  Nothing in this world is permanent!

 

DON’T ACCEPT THE POISONOUS GIFT!

Here is an interesting anecdote for anyone who is being attacked by gossips and slanders. This story further reinforces the wisdom of the words: Don’t take things personally.

According to the Buddhist tradition, the master went to the marketplace in a town with his disciples to collect alms. Suddenly, a woman in the crowd accused the Buddha of committing many terrible things in his life. A crowd was attracted by the commotion and was waiting for the master to reply to clear his good name.  The master stood there silently and did not respond to any of her ridiculous accusations. After a while and not getting any response from the Buddha, the woman and the crowd were tired and went away. On the way back to the monastery, one of his favorite disciples asked the Buddha, `Why didn’t you reply to any of those horrible accusations thrown at you in public?’

The master replied, `When a gift was given to you and if you didn’t accept it, to whom does the gift belong?’

`It still belongs to the person who sends the gift,’ answered the disciple.

`So it is obvious that the accusations are merely the distorted thoughts of the accuser.

They are not mine because I do not accept them,’ said the master. 

Affirmation For Today

Just for today, I won’t take things personally.

When people pass vicious gossips around, l know that those are their problems  and not my problems. It is their way of seeing the world. It is nothing personal because they are dealing with their own poisonous thoughts. Others can have their own opinions according to their belief systems and values. So what they think about me is not really about me but it is about them. Their negative thoughts and gossips are a reflection of their values and their morality. The singer is defined by the kind of songs sung by him or her. The poor quality of the song reflects much more on the singer.

It says nothing about the audience listening to it.  

The whisper that fills the ear with toxic gas & pollutes the mind and soul!

NOBODY’S FRIEND

 My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice.

I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.

I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted the more I am believed.

My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.

I am nobody’s friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

I topple governments and wreck marriages.

I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches, and indigestion.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows.

Even my name hisses.

I am called Gossip.

I made headlines and headaches.

Before you repeat a story, ask yourself:

Is it true?

Is it harmless?

Is it necessary?

If it isn’t, don’t repeat it.

 Author unknown.

 A MEANINGFUL RESPONSE TO VICIOUS GOSSIPS

 (My response to the above poem, `Nobody’s Friend’)

 Looking at the big picture, we really can’t blame gossipers who slander us. If we want to blame, we should blame our parents for giving birth to us together with the imperfect genes of our ancestors. If we want to blame, maybe blame God for his perceived faulty handicrafts by making us. After all, God is ultimately responsible for our genetic make-ups with our built-in flaws- like physical adequacies and facial appearances that are related to beauty and sex-performance. To make things worse, God is perceived to have embedded some virus in the form of personality flaws like introvert, overly-sensitive, inferiority complex and an endless array of other social weaknesses that may become ugly realities that disrupt our interpersonal relationships and poison our personal worlds. All these become the seeds of toxic gossips by those people who believe, rightly or wrongly, that they are endowed with better strains of genes and socially-acceptable virtues.

So if God and his co-creators, our parents, have not conspired to produce defective creatures with countless flaws resulting in odd behaviors and other social offenses, then there will be no ground for nasty gossips!

 Ponder again, my friends. Ponder more deeply.

Don’t be simplistic.

Don’t blame God or our parents.

Don’t blame the gossipers.

Ultimately you must be your own honest and uncorrupted judge.

You need to see yourself as you are- your flaws, your mistakes, your ugly offenses and your strengths.

 The flaws embedded by God are meant to be your stepping stones to your perfection.

Paradox is a favorite instrument of God to teach we humans.

So don’t ignore your dark shadows. Humans simply must have their shadows to follow them. Only ghosts and angels have no shadows!

In short, no shadow means no humanity!

So, drop your self-denial and treat gossips and cold stares as solid blessings falling from heaven in the form of hailstones! (I know because I have experienced this bloody experience!) Yes, some hailstones can simply hurt you badly and spill your blood all over. But this will eventually pass away- as all things will!

 The important thing is that you should not allow yourself to become so despondent and depressed ( drowning in self-condemnation, toxic shame and despair) that you have to throw away your precious life like an pair of useless, old worn-out shoes.

Others can trample on you but only you can trample on your self-esteem.

Always remember that ultimately, with all your imperfections, you are still the wonderful child of God. You are still the singular object of His unconditional love.

This paradox simply boggles my imagination! It is the king of paradoxes!

Let others gossip and judge you according to their whims and fancy.

Forgive them for they know not what they are doing to God’s masterpiece.

Beware of the tremendous implications and significance of looking at and treating every human being as God’s beloved, delicate and intricate, handicraft.

Handle every piece with great care.

Everyone of them is vulnerable and fragile.

If anyone breaks any one of them, then he or she is held accountable to the Master Craftsman.