THE PARADOX OF CODEPENDENCY IS THAT WHAT APPEARS COMPLEX MAY SOMETIMES BE SIMPLE & DOABLE.
- HOW DO YOU GENTLY REMOVE THIS INSECT WITHOUT DAMAGING THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWER?
Codependency often appears to be a complex issue that can easily confuse and disorientate us if our perceptions are clouded and flawed. That is why we need to look at the disorders triggered by codependency with an eye of simplicity.Try to focus on a few simple landmarks of our codependency -something that are meaningful and make sense to us. In the midst of chaos and complexities, we need to look at the simple recognizable patterns so that we can regain some measure of confidence to take the initiative to explore and experiment with some practical steps to find out what are feasible and effective to cope with our codependency. Remember this important rule of life- complexity confuses,disorientates and immobilizes; whereas simplicity enables the mind to focus one thing at a time and assists the victims to take one step at a time in search for solutions. That is why it is so important that the victims of disorders must stay calm in the eye of the storm so that they can be liberated from paralyzing fears to become more proactive and explore simple solutions to tackle their problems. When you are sick and you go hunting for medicinal herbs, look at the individual trees; don’t just look at the whole forest. Simplicity heals while complexity aggravates your conditions.
Codependency is a people-problem and if you want to recover from your disorders, you have to be very patient with yourself and focus on your current interpersonal relationships where some of the main causes are embedded unseen. Yes, as a human being, the quality of your interpersonal relationships is crucial for your recovery. Try to examine honestly without any denial what kind of fine-tuning is necessary in your interpersonal relationships so that there will be less opportunities for such conflict relationship problems to trigger or spark off an outburst of your problems. A codependency lives in a kind of emotional and psychological `spider-web’. Whoever enters and engages in any form of social interactions with you can be perceived as an outsider who moves about in your spider web or your personal world. A negative social encounter will trigger a conflicting event that will inevitably be interlinked with your disorders either negatively or positively. For a codependent victim, few interactions can be said to be free of impact; they will generally leave behind some form of `emotional hangover’ -the degree or severity depends again on your vulnerability and the nature of the social interactions. Normally an social interaction with a domineering personality will leave you feeling being bullied or manipulated into saying `yes’ when you want to say `no’.
Are there any conflicting interpersonal relationships in your life right now?Examine the insidious factors that can play an important role in triggering your disorders. Usually the causes of our codependency are buried in the past and there is very little we can do with what had already happened in the past. What is much more important is to examine the present causes that are acting as barriers to your wholesome recovery. More likely than not, there are some toxic interpersonal relationships that are aggravating your personal problems.
I would like to share with you some valuable insights that I have gathered on my journey to my recovery. The first one is related to my success in getting rid of my cigarette addiction. I have realized that in fighting compulsive addictions, it is important to adopt a total approach in terms of all or nothing, black or white yardsticks. Addiction is exactly like pregnancy- either you are pregnant or you are not. There is no partial pregnancy status. You can’t adopt a neutral stance towards your disorders or accept any form of compromises. Either you are in or you are out. There is no in-between territory. Based on my past experiences, either I quit cigarette-smoking totally or I continue my love affair with this drug. It is very hard to reduce my daily habit from 30 cigarettes to 2 or 3 per day. Similarly, if we want to recover from other forms of disorders, we have to adopt this mindset of turning over a new leaf by growing new shoots. To grow new shoots, the best way is to do some selective pruning in your life.
The second insight is to examine your present interpersonal relationships to do some fine-tuning with those toxic relationships. Codependency is often caused by people especially toxic people. Are there any such people in your life in the form of relatives, friends, colleagues, relatives or other significant people? What are you going to do to minimize their negative impact in your life? The tragic trait of codependents is that they frequently want to please other people and hence they find it very hard to say `no’ to unreasonable or insensitive requests.
You will definitely need a certain amount of personal space of quiet and tranquility for a wholesome recovery from your codependency conditions. Yes you need the space to nurture inner calm to cope with conflicting relationships so that you will not be drown by the uncontrollable forces in your broken world. Yes you simply can’t afford to adopt an accommodating stance towards domineering disruptive people in your life. Don’t harbor the hope that you can eventually change them so that they can become a force of harmony in your life. The hard reality is that such domineering people can’t be changed for the better and the more likely scenario is that they will change you for the worse by hardening the negative conditions that will keep you enslaved to your disorders. This is where simplicity can play a crucially-important role in liberating you from your complicated web of toxic interpersonal relationships. Only you can decide how you are going to free or loosen yourself from such toxic relationships so that you will gain a wholesome recovery from your disorders. Only you can weigh the pros and cons in such cases and what price you are going to pay to downgrade some relationships. If you are fighting for your life or fighting to live an authentic life, then it may become necessary to make a break with such negative associations otherwise you run the risk of losing your real happiness or the quality of your life. Although you can’t control other people and their way of thinking or acting, you can exercise a large measure of control over your own life especially in your attitudes and perceptions. You can choose the various options on how you are going to relate to other significant people in your life. In turn, your options of changing or remaining the same in your current interpersonal relationships will determine on the pace of your recovery from your codependency.
It is important not to adopt an unhealthy attitude of blaming others for your present interpersonal conflicting relationships. There is no right or wrong party in the relationships. You either have to accept the toxic relationship and pay the heavy price or you don’t want to accept and pay the negative price for it. Many people are what they are. If you mix with an elephant, you have to accept its bulky size ; or if you mix with the fox, you have to accept its sly foxy nature. A fox will always behave as a fox because it is created that way. The important thing is to make an appropriate response to minimize the damaging impact of the fox and to minimize the opportunity for the fox to damage your inner peace and happiness. Once you understand the essence of a fox and once you have accepted its strengths and limitations, then you are on the right way to manage the fox. Only your awakened awareness will protect you from the conflicting association with the fox. Then you would have cultivated the proactive perception to see things and people as they really are and not as you want to see them. Many intractable personal problems are too complex to solve because the victims don’t want to see realities as they are; instead they want to see the ugly realities in the context of their illusions and make-beliefs. Hence the real problem lies in the eyes and flawed perceptions of the victims. Once they gain the real insight of the truth, then they have the seeds of the solution to their problems. This is the simplicity of the complex!
Take a break from your current conflicting relationships. Have a retreat to regain some inner calm to see things and issues with clarity and awakened awareness. Strike for a right balance between a love for yourself and a love for others so that you will have a win-win situation and not a win-lose situation. More importantly, be your own best friend to look after your own personal interest so that you won’t lose your soul due to unfavorable lopsided compromises in your interpersonal relationships. This personal retreat of several days or weeks will give you the necessary awareness, the inner peace, the strength and the resilience to chart a new direction to emerge from your web of complicated interpersonal relationships. In the words of David A. Cooper, author of `Silence, Simplicity and Solitude’, “A spiritual retreat is medicine for soul salvation. Through silence, solitary practice, and simple living, we begin to fill the empty reservoir. This lifts the veils, dissolves the masks, and creates space within for the feelings of forgiveness, compassion, and loving kindness that are so often blocked.”
Submitted by David YKK
FOR VICTIMS OF CODEPENDENCY & GAMBLING DISORDERS, BE AWARE THAT YOU ARE YOUR OWN GREATEST ENEMY!
- TO VICTIMS OF GAMBLING DISORDER, THE ABOVE FORMATION OF DICES DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AT ALL ; IT IS MYSTERIOUS AND PARADOXICAL BECAUSE ALL DICES ARE HEAVILY AND NEGATIVELY LOADED AGAINST YOU. HENCE ALL GAMBLING ADDICTS ARE BORN LOSERS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE UNIVERSAL GAMBLING LAW IS -NO GAMBLER CAN EVER BUST A CASINO? NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE! THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN BEAT A CASINO IS TO STAY OUT!
Codependents have to be absolutely honest with themselves in tackling their own problems. Mindfulness or self-awareness is the essential first step in the long journey of recovery from any disorder. You have to be aware that there are two wolves inside you- the mature wolf and the immature sensitive wolf. The mature wolf thrives on awareness and self-honesty and it recognizes that the major culprit or enemy in life is the insensitive wounded immature`wolf’ that is always clamoring to control the situations or circumstances in life. This is particularly true if one is a codependency victim. The starting point is your perception of the problem. If you perceive your problem or disorder without any denial and try to take responsibility for your actions or thoughts, then the ball is in your court. Then you can do something to resolve the problem. But if you perceive that the problem is caused by others, then you have adopted a `blame mindset’ and you have unintentionally passed the ball to your perceived opponent’s court. With such a negative mindset that is blinded by denials, there is very little you can really do to solve your inner personal problems. Why? Because the hard reality in life is that no one can effectively and meaningfully control other people on a sustainable basis. Today, psychologists can tell us honestly that the hard reality is that you can only control `what lies between your two ears’! This is the crux of the problem in our broken world. Yet, the grand illusion is that the internet has promised us that we can be the masters of our souls and the captains of our fates!
This is how the devious Satan has sown the seeds of self-destruction- the illusion that we are in control of life. Just look at the pathetic examples of Gaddafi the ex-ruler of Libya or the former IMF chief and you will realize that most of us tend to suffer from this pervasive illusion. The seeds of disorders lie inside our hearts and minds. Until and unless we find these insidious toxic seeds that are embedded in our spirits, we will not be able to make any real or meaningful progress towards resolving our problems.
Let us take the gambling disorder that has caused so much damage to our social fabric today. This disorder can do a lot of damage to our lives because we are in denial of the fact that we may be codependency victims suffering from gambling disorder in addition to other disorders. Why do we deny that we are suffering from such disorders? Because to confess or admit to the presence of such disorders is terribly threatening to the ego or the self. This is where the master emotion of shame comes into the picture. And in virtually all forms of disorders especially sex addictions, shame is the really toxic emotion operating insidiously beneath the surface. The victims must keep the secrets of their disorders under wrap at all costs! Death is usually preferable to shame or public humiliation and social rejection. Hence, self-denial is such a popular psychological device to wipe out the ugly realities in our lives. Yes, we have to admit that sometimes, denial is an important survival tool but more often than not, denial can do tremendous damage to our lives. At best, the victim uses denial to lie to himself/herself and to others about undesirable circumstance or events in one’s life; and at worst, the victim uses denial to condemn himself or herself to live a fake broken life permanently choked with illusions, fears of insecurity or delusions with no claim to real happiness or inner peace. What a wasted life!
Now, let me illustrate my humble insights based on my own experiences with the gambling disorders. To my friends and relatives, I am definitely not a gambler because I have no interest in visiting casinos or indulge myself in social gambling like mahjong or pokers or card games or football betting etc. Then how did I ever recognize this hidden gambling disorder of mine? Yet throughout my adult working years, I have been suffering from this disorder without even knowing it! If anyone were to tell me that I suffered from such a disorder, I would l die of laughter! I did not recognize this gambling addiction because I was in denial. I did not want to see myself as I was- a gambling addict. I had been an addict because I was not intellectually honest with myself. I wanted to see myself as an investor and not as a speculator in the stock markets. My addictive habit would not be obvious to me in normal times because in share trading, I make gains occasionally – sufficient to cover the losses and the commissions.
It is in the bad times like the recent tumbling share markets that really remove the masks of my gambling disorder. Normally, a codependent victim is vulnerable to any form of psychological disorder be it drug or sex etc. Somehow, the codependent victim is always waiting for the disorder to spring an ambush on him or her. The trap is insidious and hidden below the level of awareness. No matter how clever you are, if you are a codependent, you are vulnerable to a host of disorders because your emotional template is embedded with the toxic virus of wounded self-esteem and shame. The damage was inflicted during your childhood and the toxic negative emotions have been repressed to prevent them from surfacing because of the shame and fear of social rejection etc. Your denial is a clever device invented by your mind to mask the disorder.
In my situation, over the past few months, it seems to me that most of my trades have been losing ones. Somehow the timing of buying or selling would operate against me. I have read some of the best books on investment and yet knowledge of the art of investing or stock picking is not enough to stop me from losing. Even with my awareness of my own personal failings, I simply could not change my investing or trading style. I have known for some time that I have been my own worst enemy in my trading or investing activities. Somehow the term `investment’ is high-sounding but the hard reality is that it is nothing more than gambling as far as I am concerned because I have been operating out of fear or greed and on a short-term basis. Mysteriously, the hidden hand that has been betting against me is the legacy of fear and insecurity – my childhood emotional baggage- that continues to haunt me in my investment decisions. So I become beholden to my irrational fears of losing. It has become so bad that I have to make contingency plans to counter my own disorder. So, I withdrew more cash from my online investment account so that I would trade with less ammunition. Less cash means less self-inflicting damage. This has been my prudent strategy to bet against my immature `wolf’ so that my losses are minimum and manageable.
Now let me share with you that every time I made a foolish buy or sell decision that is badly-timed, I would reprimand myself for acting so foolishly. What is really amazing is that my negative cycle repeats itself again and again and again! And yet I don’t seem to have learn my lessons! It is as if that my trading or speculative activities have been pre-programmed by my inner computer! This has happened so many times with my eyes wide open and with an awakened awareness! So finally, I decided to sell every one of my US shares in my online account so that there is no incentive to look at it at all. Out of sight, out of mind! So I have finally come to the conclusion that sound investment knowledge or gambling strategies would be no match to the hidden enemy lurking inside me waiting to ambush me in my moments of fear and weakness. And nine times out of ten, the hidden enemy wins! I suppose I have to admit reluctantly that this is my gambling disorder. I believe that with God’s love and grace, I am bringing this disorder under control. I believe that He wants me to go experience this disorder so that I can write something meaningful and authentic to be used as stepping stones for the victims to cross the chasm of their gambling disorder.
The only way to beat your gambling disorder is to drag it out into the open by acknowledging it and confronting it without any denial. Awareness is the first crucial step. Interrelated with mindfulness is a sincere intention to take ownership or responsibility of your disorder. Understanding the `whys’ is not as important as knowing the `whats’ and the `hows’ of tackling your gambling disorder. There is very little that you can do about the mysterious causes of your disorder but there is a wide range of options you can carry out to neutralize or weaken the strength of your disorder such as prayer, meditation, physical exercises, new hobbies and nurturing a positive perception towards your disorder and your codependency. At this vulnerable stage of your life, try to accept your life as it is and practise an attitude of love and compassion for yourself. Don’t mistake compassion for self with self-pity. They are two different animals- self-love is positive and patient while self-pity is negative, reactive and manipulative. In short, choose the option of becoming your own best friend instead of becoming your own worst enemy. Try to accept yourself as you are – a person with flaws and virtues, weaknesses and strengths, a blend of black and white, good and evil. So please don’t shame yourself and condemn yourself further. Don’t rub salt onto your wounds and don’t add insult or guilt to injury. It will only make matters worse.
Above all, pray about your disorder and entrust it to God and his unconditional love and grace so that He will liberate you from the shackles of your codependency in due time. Always remember this adage that what is impossible to man is possible to God. Whatever you are, God still loves you very much.
Submitted by David YKK
WITH SELF-HONESTY, YOU CAN RECOGNIZE YOUR REAL ENEMIES INSIDE THE MYSTERIOUS BOX OF CODEPENDENCY
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- WITH SELF HONESTY, YOU CAN REALLY SEE AND RECOGNIZE THE REAL `ENEMIES’ INSIDE THE MYSTERY BOX OF CODEPENDENCY.
- Today, co-dependency is so widespread and deeply rooted in our modern society because this umbrella disorder thrives best in our internet age that has been significantly responsible for the uprooting of our traditional socio-cultural and religious institutions. Moreover, the internet has been mainly responsible for giving most people the access to various forms of knowledge and online entertainment almost instantly. Unfortunately, many online interactive games, videos and entertainments are related to pornography and they are extremely addictive because millions of internet surfers spend several hours daily on the computers or laptops or tablets to pursue their virtual reality life-styles.
- Another important factor for the prevalent codependency today is the widespread presence of our fractured and flawed codependency families. Just look through some of the negative qualities of a codependency family and you will realize the extensive reach of the tentacles of the codependency disorders- .* One or both parents are mentally unbalanced, preoccupied, frustrated, unrealistic in their world views. If only one parent suffers thus, the other will be preoccupied with the disordered mate. *Parents in the family are addicted to alcohol, drugs, work, gambling, sex, or pornography etc and are consumed with rage and are compulsive with things that normal healthy people are casual about. *The parents in a codependency family suffer from a wounded self-image.*Parents are suffering from chronic relationship conflicts because they are divorced, or remain together in a hostile relationship `for the sake of the kids’. *Codependency parents may be intensely religious but extremely rigid and demanding in their personal theology and imbue their children with their rigid values of conditional love and acceptance in terms of black or white, evil or good with no gray zones for compromise or flexible adjustments.
- It is important to look at codependency as a continuum and not a constant state. In other words, there is a wide spectrum of this umbrella disorder with the majority of people suffering from a mild infection of the disorder and they can be rectified on a D.I.Y. basis by reading up some books to awaken their awareness and master some relevant life-skill strategies. However, for the small minority who suffer from abuse, depression, eating disorders, or suicidal inclinations, they should seek consult qualified psychiatrists to seek professional help and treatment.
- In your exploration of your codependency problems, you should adopt a objective stance and mindset. Bear in mind that nobody likes to admit to an addiction (any form of addiction is undesirable) or obsessive compulsion. At the very least, you should be honest with yourself or your spouse or partner, so that you can take ownership of the problem and be empowered to do something about it. Denial is your worst enemy in your battle against codependency. To be in a state of self-denial means that there is nothing wrong with yourself, so there is no need to take any remedial measures. If the room is clean, why sweep it? That is why denial is your worst enemy in life because it has the insidious potential to blind your whole vision and perception. That is why it is so important to take a bold stand to confront yourself with the truth. No rationalization; no ifs; no buts; and no defensive excuses to protect the ego. Having said that it is crucial to be honest with yourself, I don’t mean that you must tell the whole world about your disorder of codependency or reveal any of its symptoms.
- Generally, the victims of codependency are very vulnerable and sensitive to shame. So while doing some exploration works related to your present lifestyle or some issues of your lost childhood, try to be as objective as possible in looking at the tiny shards and bits of refuse that you have come up with. Don’t pass judgment on what you find or assign `right’ or `wrong’ to anything at this point in the exploration process. Simply sift them out and know them. Accept the bits and pieces of evidence as they are.
- In your exploration, you are encouraged to tell your story. It is important that you tell your story to someone whom you can trust -your spouse or your best friend. It is important to select someone who can keep things on a confidential basis because you don’t want the whole world to know about it because most people are vulnerable to the shame-accrued elements that may come up with the story. Another excellent alternative is a support group where you can ventilate your toxic personal date or experiences without fear of being wounded or shamed because every participant is in the same boat.
- The best strategy of ventilating your story is to tell it to God because he can listen best. Always remember that the more you bring God into the process, the faster will be your recovery. All of us know that God is our best therapist and counselor because of his unconditional love and compassion that will provide us with his forgiveness and healing grace. First, ask God to lift the codependent blinders from your eyes. Everyone practices denial, minimization or rationalization to some extent but for the codependent, his/her very emotional life depends upon them. Tell your story and your secrets to God who is in the best position to encourage, support or console you. Remember, the seemingly simple act of telling one’s story can, in itself, exercise a profound healing influence.
- For the codependent victim, the sheer act of telling the story cracks the wall of denial and breaks down some of the shame. The child in the victim cautiously emerges out of the protective shell; takes a peep, out of the isolation and aloneness characterizing the repressed childhood experiences. I would like to repeat the importance of this significant simple act- the very act of telling of the story becomes a powerful healing medication even though it is one small part of the full recovery process. ( I personally would like to confirm and endorse this `confession’ strategy because I have shared my story with a few of my trusted friends and find it beneficial.
- Two huge factors underlying codependency are obsession and toxic shame. As we know today, psychologists have recently discovered that toxic shame is a master emotion that is the primary root of many emotional problems afflicting modern people. The other factor that complicates codependency is obsession. There is a lot of mystery in obsession and the eminent faith healer, Fr. Emiliano Tardif, will be able to enlighten us on the spiritual perspective of this problem of obsession, “ There are people who are tormented by a tremendous sexual obsession or the idea of suicide; by a spirit of blasphemy or self-destruction or contempt; by the feeling that they are not worthy of God’s forgiveness, etc. Sometimes, in cases like these, the cause is not just physical or psychological, but the torment of an obsession that has mastered them, which they haven’t the strength to escape. It could be said that an obsession is like a temptation, except that instead of being temporary, it is permanent, and has a power and an intensity that seem to make it impossible to overcome.”
- Fr. Tardif narrates an interesting case of a man in the Dominican Republic with a young wife and two little children. Despite this, the man couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes. The desire was so strong that he couldn’t control himself. He tried, but he failed again and again. The religious community prayed for him that he might be freed from this obsession, but there was no change. Finally the priest realized that they were only casting an impure spirit, and nothing more. When they evangelize the victim as well, the Lord completed his work and the man was finally freed once and for all.
- So we can see that sometimes it takes more than psychological counseling and medication to heal the victims of codependency and obsession; a spiritual approach and a `change of heart’ are necessary to bring about a complete recovery for such victims.
- This is one of Fr. Tardif’s favorite prayers- `I claim for myself and for those who are with me; The blood of the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world; so that we may be purified of all sin and protected against all influences of the evil one.’
- (Fr. Tardif is an eminent faith-healer who has cured tens of thousands of sick people over the last two decades with prayers of intercession using the name of Jesus Christ and the unconditional love of God.}
- Submitted by David YKK
EXPLORING YOUR INTER-PERSONAL & INTRA-PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR BETTER SELF-UNDERSTANDING SO THAT YOU CAN GET A BETTER CHANCE OF BREAKING THE ADDICTION CYCLE.
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- THE ART OF LIVING IS TO GROW YOURSELF INTO THE SKILLFUL PILOT TO BE ABLE TO NAVIGATE YOUR VULNERABLE SHIP SAFELY THROUGH THE TREACHEROUS STORMS.
- EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
- In your exploration of your past, all those priceless pieces of the good, the bad and the ugly, must be sorted and classified. Then they are arranged, wrapped and boxed. Some, once packaged, will never see the light of day again. A few might be taken out and reburied. Finally, a very few will emerge as landmarks of your life that will be the keys to the understanding of your culture that was long repressed and hidden. In this second stage of your exploration, you are asked to complete a careful, in-depth relationship history or inventory. Specifically, you are to identify all the persons, past and present, who either left a memorable mark or an obvious influence in your life. Don’t worry about they are negative or positive impact; just don’t judge them; just see them as they are.
- If you have deep codependent patterns, in some way or other those patterns will shape or distort your relationship in the family groupings that you are in. Any change in any one member of a family group ramifies into all the other members, whether that change is in you or in someone else. When a therapist aids a patient with a self-assessment, it becomes glaringly obvious that where codependency rears its ugly head, ripples extend into every aspect of that person’s life. An analogy is found among the old riverboat pilots of Mark Twain’s heyday. Piloting was a highly prestigious job and a demanding one. Not only need the pilot know the course of the river intimately, he had to know what was going on beneath the water. Where were the shoals, the rocks, the sandbars, the currents that could either ensure success or wreak instant disaster. Similarly, deep codependent patterns are like the hidden perils the pilot faced. The formations below the water determine the direction and the success of our journey through life.
- The next step is to ponder how many people you have been emotionally involved with. Codependency patterns have influenced (for good or bad) each of those relationships. As part of the healing process, you will be called upon to untangle the relationships, call to mind the persons both living and dead, and make peace individually with each one in an appreciative way. A major part of the task is help people realize to what extent codependency can spill over into each and every one of those groupings.
- BREAKING THE ADDICTION CODEPENDENCY CYCLE
- How do we break the addiction cycle? Any major addiction, compulsion or obsession is a massive distraction for the victims. A hypnotic message plays twenty-four hours a day for addictions are a form of deep self-hypnosis, a spell that is cast by the lost childhood experience. To the anorexic: “You’re still not thin enough.” We must first pull the person out of that hypnotic spell and thus break its cycling, gripping distraction. The spell that is cast on the victim is similar to the hypnotic gaze of the cobra that immobilizes and prevents its victim (a jungle rat or rabbit) from running away. Or compare the hypnosis to the repetitive swinging pendulum used by the hypnotist to put his patient under the spell. Similarly the addiction cycle is extremely hypnotic for the helpless victim who feels trapped in the gridlock.
- This is why a victim caught up in some kind of ongoing addiction must, as part of the recovery process, go into at least a temporary abstinence from the addictive agent or behavior…This act of abstinence acts as an essential pause or a serious intention to break out of the addictive cycle. This is non-negotiable because if the victim continues in the addiction, it will end up wasting time for both the victim as well as for the counselor.
- So it is essential that the addiction must be interrupted to give the victim a pause to loosen the grip of the addictive habit. It is in this pause that will provide a window of opportunity to break out of the habit. The following quotation by Dr. Robert Hemfelt & his co-authors, is certainly enlightening, “The need to dry out, as it were, is essential clear across the board of addictions. Eating disorders must be brought into a state of arrest. A sexual addiction or extramarital affair must be halted…When an obvious compulsion problem such as substance abuse is the issue, the lines are clear, firmly drawn. The lines become fuzzy when the problem is an outrageously codependent relationship. And yet, a strongly codependent relationship is just as taxing and damaging as substance abuse.”
- In a counseling session for a codependent couple, the authors continue to recommend that “we perceive you both are locked into a very unhealthy codependent intertwining. You love not by choice but by need. Unless you can give yourself some sort of a time out from this, slow this down and build healthy boundaries, your mutual addiction is going to rampage roughshod over any psychotherapeutic progress…The theory is to break the addictive cycle, whatever that takes. The practice can take many forms. The object is to suggest specific boundaries by which the couple may lovingly put some space between themselves. Without these spaces, they cannot begin their own individual recoveries.”
- The authors recommend the following forms of boundaries for embattled codependent couples- A) initiating a brief residential separation or in-house separation wherein they might leave each other alone long enough to commence healing; B) a temporary cessation of sexual involvement is sometimes the only way to open a window of opportunity for healing; C) set specific physical and verbal abuse boundaries to prevent physical harm to other vulnerable spouse or family members; D) suspend victimization to break the codependent behavior patterns (this is not a matter of who is right or wrong); E) suspend any outside romantic interest or affair immediately.(Adapted from Life Is A Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth & Dr. Paul Meier.)
- Food For Thought
- Let me share my personal experience with my experience with cigarette addiction that I tried so hard to break. This addiction happened more than two decades ago. Initially I took up cigarette-smoking out of curiosity or maybe as a reaction to my codependency disorder. It was not entirely clear to my mind why I took up smoking. As the saying goes, admission to a new disorder is free, but it pays to get out. Yes, after smoking for several years, I discovered that cigarettes irritated my throat – so much so that I began to feel considerable discomfort in clearing my throat after each smoking session. I tried several times trying to get out of the addiction. In my first attempt, I managed to stop smoking for about a week or two. Then I started the habit again. The next attempt lasted about a month or two. The habit came back again. I recall that later on, I managed to stop smoking for as long as six months. Then I grew more confident that I had finally managed to get rid of the habit. Then one occasion, when I smoked only one cigarette and the next day, the addictive cycle repeated again. Still, I did not give up on myself. I tried one more time and this time, I managed to stop for more than one year without any cigarette. Finally I though I had the addictive habit licked and I became over-confident that I was cured of my cigarette-addiction. During the duration of my abstinence, I even dreamed about my struggle with this addiction. In my dream, I saw myself smoking a cigarette and halfway, I suddenly threw the cigarette onto the ground and used my shoe to stamp and crush the smoldering cigarette. To cut the whole story short, one evening, I wanted to smoke only one cigarette to celebrate an occasion after my dinner. You know what; the next day, the monster came back again and the cycle of addiction came full circle. I simply could not get out of the long reach of the monster-cigarette! I finally got rid of my cigarette addiction by taking up pipe-smoking because the tobacco used for pipe-smoking is far less addictive because there was no nicotine, the addictive chemical, that manufacturers used to process cigarettes. Since I put down my pipe more than twenty years ago, I have not touched cigarettes again except for one occasion. I have finally succeeded in conquering my drug addiction. I believe that the Good Lord played an important role in my recovery process.
- Because I believe that Jesus wants me to share this true story with you in this posting to give you the courage to carry on fighting with your addiction whatever it may be so that with the unconditional love and healing grace of God, you can also triumph over your codependency.
- Submitted by David YKK
