CULTIVATE THE ZEN SPIRIT OF NON-ATTACHMENT TO COPE WITH YOUR WOUNDED SELF-ESTEEM.

WHY ATTACH TO YOUR SUFFERING AND YOUR WOUNDED SPIRIT; JUST LET THEM PASS AWAY.

2011 has been a traumatic year that most people would like to forget! The vivid video images of the Japanese tsunami has given us a rare glimpse of the power of Mother Nature that tossed towns and villages into the sea and drowned tens of thousands of people. This incredible tsunami also caused the nuclear meltdown of several nuclear plants in Japan.

On the global front, the mighty Europe with its powerful banks have suffered a serious financial meltdown and threatened the global economy with another great depression. The world is on the verge of another great economic uncertainty and chaos as we enter the new year of 2012. The global economic landscape has been marred by the Arab Spring that has brought popular uprising  and great political unrest in the Muslim world in the Middle East.

The world has seldom experienced so many uncertainties as 2012. Where do we go from here? How do these macro upheavals impact the ordinary mortals like you and me? What are our responses in the face of such macro uncontrollable events that may have a severe negative impact on our jobs and financial security? More importantly, in our personal worlds that have been swarmed by toxic gossips and slanders, how do we repair our wounded self-esteem?

Let me share with the following  anecdote  from `Zen Questions’ that will certainly give us some valuable insights on the art of coping with the troubles in life.

According to Zen traditions, a young girl became pregnant but  she would not revealed the identity of the father. Finally, after much questioning and under pressure from her parents, the girl named Hakuin, a well-known Zen master, as the man responsible for her pregnancy. Filled as anger, her parents went to accuse Hakuin and demand that he look after the new born baby.   Hakuin’s response was, “Is that so?” and then took the baby from them.  Of course, there was a huge scandal and Hakuin completely lost his good reputation. But he did not care about that. For a year, he looked after the child. He fed it, changed its diapers, played with it, and in all respects treated it just as though it was his own. Eventually, the girl could not bear her guilt any longer and she admitted that the real father of her child was somebody else. The parents, cringing with embarrassment, went to Hakuin to offer their profound apologies. Then they explained what had happened and asked for the child back. “Is that so?” asked Hakuin, as he handed the child back to the grandparents.

Based on this relevant anecdote, Robert Allen, the author of `Zen Questions’, shares his insight with us. Zen makes a point of non-attachment which is different from detachment. To cling to things, people, reputation, possessions, and opinions is the surest way to suffering. You cannot grasp those things and, sooner or later, they will be ripped from you. You may ask, “Why didn’t Hakuin defend his reputation and maintain his innocence?” Or, “Didn’t he love the baby after he had looked after it for a year?” The point is that he did what he had to do. In the midst of such toxic circumstances, Hakuin believed that compassion was his best response. Someone had to look after the baby; so he did it without any fuss. But he didn’t get entangled with `love’ which is often perceived as a kind of possessiveness. So when it was time to hand the baby back to the rightful owners, he was able to give it up without any fuss.

In the coming new year 2012, may the Good Lord bless you with the awareness his unconditional love and the Zen spirit of non-attachment as the best weapons to cope with gossips and shame.

Submitted by David YKK

RETREAT #6- THE COMPASSION & SPIRIT OF JESUS IS ALIVE TODAY FOR THE HEALING OF WOUNDED PEOPLE & THEIR NEGATIVE SELF-ESTEEM.

ALL WOUNDED PEOPLE CAN LEARN FROM THIS BISON IN ITS STRUGGLE AGAINST HEAVY ODDS, IT KNOWS THAT GOD IS ON ITS SIDE.

The miracles that were performed by Jesus two thousand years ago are also being performed today! Do you believe that Jesus is Alive Today?

`Jesus traveled throughout the province of Galilee, preaching to the synagogues and releasing many from the power of demons.

Once a leper came and knelt in front of him and begged to be healed.
“If you want to, you can make me well again,” he said.
And Jesus, moved with pity, touched him and said, “ I want to! Be healed!”
Immediately, the leprosy was gone- the man was healed!
…But as the man went on his way, he began to shout the good news that he was healed; as a result, such throngs soon surrounded Jesus that he couldn’t publicly enter a city anywhere, but had to stay out in the barren wastelands. And people from everywhere came to him there.

Several days later he returned to Capernaum, and the news of his arrival spread quickly through the city. Soon the house where he was staying was so packed with visitors that there wasn’t room for a single person more, not even outside the door. And he preached the Word to them. Four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a stretcher. They couldn’t get to Jesus through the crowd; so they dug through the clay roof above his head and lowered the sick man on his stretcher, right down in front of Jesus.

When Jesus saw how strongly they believed that he would help, Jesus said to the sick man, “Son, your sins are forgiven!”
But some of the Jewish religious leaders said to themselves as they sat there,
“What? This is blasphemy! Does he think he is God? For only God can forgive sins.”
Jesus could read their minds and said to them at once, “Why does this bother you?
I, the Messiah, have the authority on earth to forgive sins. But talk is cheap- anybody could say that. So I’ll prove to you by healing this man.”
Then, turning to the paralyzed man, he commanded,
“Pick up your stretcher and go on home, for you are healed!”

The man jumped up, took the stretcher, and pushed his way through the stunned onlookers! Then how they praised God. “We’ve never seen anything like this before!” they all exclaimed.”

(Extracted from `The Book’ – the Bible expressed in modern language)

This following  incredible story of the miraculous healing of the paralyzed man by Jesus is astonishing by any measure. What is even more incredible is that this miracle recurred two thousand years later in our modern times in the city of Nagua, Dominican Republic. But if we believe that the spirit of Jesus is alive today, then this miracle is merely a repeat of history. It is actually the same Jesus performing the same kind of miracle through his disciple, Father Tardif. The following account is narrated in the priest’s own words-

“ During the Masses on the first Sunday, I announced that I would be giving a talk on the charismatic renewal, and would also explained how I myself was healed. Some 200 people came. The people had such faith that, this first night, they brought a cripple on a stretcher. His spine was broken and he had been unable to walk for five and a half years.

When I saw them come in, I thought they had gone too far, but then I found myself remembering the four men who took their paralyzed friend to Jesus (Mk.2:1-12)
We prayed for him, asking the Lord by the power of his sacred wounds to heal the cripple. The man began to tremble and sweat. I remembered that when the Lord cured me, I had also felt very hot, so I said, `The Lord is healing you. Get up, in the name of Jesus!’ I took his hand, and he gave me a very surprised look. With a great effort he rose, and slowly started to walk. ‘Keep walking in the name of Jesus!’ I shouted.
`The Lord is healing you!’

He took a step, and then another. He reached the tabernacle, and with tears in his eyes gave thanks to God. Everyone praised the Lord as the `cripple’ walked off, carrying his stretcher under his arm. That same evening, ten other people were also healed by the love of Jesus Christ.

How people thirst for prayer! They ask us to teach them to pray but, like Jesus, we can only teach by praying with them. We cannot waste such a wonderful opportunity. If we talked less about the Lord and talked more with him, how quickly the world would be transformed. Certainly the Lord likes it when we talk about him, he likes it even more when we talk with him…

During a conference in Montreal in June, 1977, over 65,000 people filled the Olympic Stadium during the closing Mass… Even the mayor of the city was there, sitting to one side. More than 100 people in wheelchairs were seated near the altar. We prayed for the sick. The whole stadium was praising the Lord when suddenly Rose Aimee, who had suffered for more than 11 years from muscular sclerosis, got up from her wheelchair and started to walk in front of everyone. On the other side, a man got up from his wheelchair, and then another, and then another! In all, 12 cripples left their wheelchairs and began to walk!

Everyone was clapping and crying with emotion. Even the mayor was sobbing like a little child. When the Lord appears, there are no big men. Everyone is a child in the presence of the Lord.

The next day, the biggest newspaper in the city splashed:

SENSATION AT OLYMPIC STADIUM
CRIPPLES WALK!

[Extracted from page 18 of `Jesus Lives Today!’ -The True Story of a Miraculous Healing Ministry- by Fr. Emiliano Tardif]

Food To Ponder

The story of Jesus is a tale of extreme love and compassion. Sometimes I just wonder whether the miracles of healing have been powered and realized by the great love of Jesus for the sick  or the spiritual power of faith. The great humility of Jesus always attributed the miracles to the faith of the sick and the power and glory of God. In my heart, I know that the reality lies in the great loving-kindness and compassion of Jesus for the poor, the sick, and the sinners. Jesus has always been a gentle shepherd taking great care to nurse the wounds of his injured sheep or going out of the way to look for the willful sheep that has gone stray.

In times of adversity or personal moral  violations, we have never read about Jesus scolding and punishing his `sheep’ for their disobedience or willfulness. He is always gentle in his tone of voice, encouraging with  his words and tender with his touch. He is always accessible and approachable to the sinners.
Now I know why he was born by the roadside and die by the roadside.
So that Jesus is always available because there is no door or barrier between the shepherd and the sheep. Surely this is the real meaning of Christmas!

Submitted by David YKK

 

 

 

 

 

RETREAT #5- MAY THIS CHRISTMAS GIVE US THE INSIGHT TO MODERATE OUR SELF-RIGHTEOUS MINDSETS WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE SO THAT REAL PEACE AND JOY WILL PREVAIL IN OUR BROKEN WORLD TODAY.

I have just come home from a long walk in a park that is located 2 kilometers away. In the park, I have learned some valuable lessons from Mother Nature – the importance of being aware that suffering, renewal and growth are well-blended together.  If you look at the pic above, you can notice that in the midst of decaying barks, the new bark appears. This tree seems to scream at us that humanity is wounded because it is in denial- that human beings prefer to focus on their disorders and flaws instead of  the lessons of their mistakes. Why do human beings take so long to learn their lessons? Why do wounded human beings simply choose to dwell and wallow in their wretchedness and their sinfulness? And in the process of being absorbed in their wretchedness and disorders, they choose to blame other people for their suffering.

Let us look at the history of the last eighty years and in spite of the phenomenal progress of our scientific and technical achievements, mankind has virtually learned nothing about being more civilized and more loving. Just look at the Second World War (1939-45). Look at the prime architect of the terrible war, Hitler. He was a little man of small stature but he had a gigantic ego with a sense of self-righteousness in his mission to bring about the birth of the `master-race’ that had the mission to exterminate the Jews and to found a European empire. Hitler simply could not understand the meaning of humility or love or the value of human life. In the quest of his egoistic mission, 6 million Jews had been exterminated and many millions of soldiers and civilians lost their lives. Just imagine, one small man could bring about so much of brutality and suffering to mankind!

Let us  look at our current world problems and the scourge of global terrorism and counter-terrorism. The terrorists believe sincerely that self-righteousness is   the valid rationale behind their destructive bombing and killing of innocent lives. And in response, the Western governments believe that they are equally justified in launching wars against the countries harboring the terrorists. This tit for tat, ‘an eye for an eye’  or `tooth for a tooth’ kind of approach is based on the platform of self-righteousness again. This is the rationale behind virtually all the wars and religious conflicts in history  based on self-defense or preemptive strikes that means offence is the best defense. This is the political philosophy that is justified behind most wars.

Now let us take a look at the micro view behind most interpersonal conflicts and killings. Again it comes down to the same point- self-righteousness or `my way is the right way’. There is  no other way except my way. My way is the basis of the right answer or the right solution. In short, to use  famous words of a world leader, `Either you are with me or against me’. If this is the common mindset  of our many world leaders, then it is not surprising that this is also the mindset of the vast majority of their followers. `Self-righteousness’ has become the popular culture behind most conflicts or aggression. No wonder the weaker gender or the poor or the children suffer under this kind of self-righteous mindset. Why? Because power or control is behind this self-righteous attitude.  There is obviously a lot of truth in this popular saying, `Absolute power corrupts absolutely.’

Christmas is the time for the birth of a most remarkable man- Jesus Christ. He came to transform our flawed perception  about the path to peace and brotherhood of man. Jesus was sent by God to be the Messiah by changing the basically-flawed mindset of mankind- that love is the key to the kingdom of God. Political control or power is the fake key that would never give real peace and joy to human beings. He came to condemn the religious leaders of the Jewish society of his time-the  Pharisees and the chief priests- for their hypocrisy and their self-righteousness. Instead, Jesus came to proclaim the powerful message of love- God’s unconditional love for man and in response, man is to show similar unconditional love to his/her fellow human beings as a right response to God’s love. In the eyes of God, all human beings (regardless of their creed or race or social status etc) are really precious children of God. In other words, all human beings are interconnected by this common heritage and linkage of divine genetic makeup. That is why Jesus commands all his disciples to `love one another as I love you; by this will others know that you are my disciples.’

Based on his innovative gospel of love, Jesus came to highlight on the other much more important aspect of God- His unconditional love for man. The Old Testament focusedon the righteous justice and strict  judgment of God as proclaimed by the prophets. Jesus was sent on Christmas day to assure all mankind that God’s love for us is much more important than his other qualities.  This is the ultimate truth- God is love and his essential basic nature is love. How do we reconcile the two seemingly diametrically-opposed yardsticks of the infinite God? We don’t think we can comprehend this great paradox of God’s complex nature in our little finite minds. That is why there are lots of things we don’t understand about God such as the mystery of  suffering and God’s love etc. Jesus, as the Son of God and as our Messiah, came personally to teach us about the great love of God for wounded humanity. Jesus came to teach us this wondrous great truth by his authoritative teaching that were confirmed by his miracles of healing. All his thoughts, words and deeds pointed to the paramount importance of love in life.

Would you believe if I were to tell you that Jesus Christ loves sinners more than his saints? Would you believe if I were to tell you that Jesus Christ loves the non-Christians more than his Christian disciples? Let me give you an analogy to clarify this point. Imagine God has ten children. God loves everyone of his children equally. But if one of his children goes astray and becomes a black sheep, God would be very concerned about the black sheep and  he would spend more time and attention to seek out the black sheep and bring it back  into his fold. Once the lost child returns to the fold, the Father would be filled with great joy. This is the basis of the parable of the lost sheep that Jesus tells us in the Bible. God loves the sinners or the non-Christians as much as if not more than his saints because Jesus has been sent as their Messiah to save the sick or wounded; to save the sheep that has gone astray. This is the main reason why Jesus has come on Christmas Day- to bring hope, faith and love to the wounded despairing human beings . Surely this is the relevant  meaning of Christmas!

Submitted by David YKK

X’MAS RETREAT FOR WOUNDED PEOPLE-#4- IF YOU HAVE BEEN MOST UNFAIRLY TREATED BY OTHERS, YOUR ONLY MEANINGFUL RESPONSE IS TO BEAR YOUR SUFFERING AND WOUNDEDNESS WITH LOVE AND PATIENCE.

LET US DRAW OUR INSPIRATION FROM ABOVE- THE BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN MAPLE LEAVES THAT MAY BE HERE AND GONE TOMORROW!

Living any life requires courage and at times, it requires lots of courage- so much so that the victims may find the burdens unbearable when it reaches the breaking point. I believe that is the crucial point when the victims decide that death is preferable to life. And no person should be driven to the `suicidal point’ because we are all interconnected in one tiny clod of mud called Earth. All human things in particular and living things in general have a right to live on this Earth harmoniously  in peace and love.

I know that many 9f my readers are trying to live a good life but they may find that such an effort is like swimming against the current in a swift-flowing stream. If you find that your burdens are so heavy and you simply can’t live a minute longer, ponder again on the meaning of your life? Look for the seed of your life meaning that may be embedded in your suffering and adversity. Spiritual mentors and wise philosophers throughout the ages have found that it is in the brokenness of a grain of wheat or rice that will bring forth an abundant harvest. The same phenomenon also applies to your broken life. I have also found the meaning of my life when it reached the most broken point about four years ago. This blog is the fruit of that most broken point in my life. What a wonderful paradox! So much brokenness and messiness in a muddy pool! Yet when the seed of the lotus is planted in the stinking dirty mud, it can bring forth a beautiful lotus flower. But beneath the mud, the smell and the messiness of life lies God’s unconditional love that is the inspirational life force that brings about all the beautiful things in our broken world.

Just look at the most recent story of one of the most talented singers of our times, the late Michael Jackson. At the peak of  his career, he was hounded by a series of scandals that drove him into seclusion and shame. I bet during that difficult period, he must have felt that he was most unfairly treated by society. I am convinced that all the toxic emotions had a significant role in bringing about the premature death of Michael Jackson. His popularity, wealth & celebrity status could not protect him from such an adversity and brokenness. All of us can learn a lesson from this sad story of how to become a more loving human being.

During this Christmas season, I hope that you, my dear wounded readers,  would reflect and ponder on the immeasurable value of your special life.  Life is a really short period of time – a rare gift given to us by God. Plutarch, the ancient wise philosopher, certainly put it well when he said, “The whole life of man is but a point of time; let us enjoy it, therefore, while it lasts, and not spend it to no purpose.” 

Sometimes, when one is suffering and in the midst of severe pain (physically or emotionally), one may feel that life is unnecessarily prolonged and meaningless. If you are in such a situation, let me assure you that Katherine Mansfield, the wise writer, gave us a profound piece of advice- that suffering when blended  with patience would eventually and mysteriously become love. Yes, if you feel you have been unfairly treated, bear your suffering with lots of patience so that eventually your painful experiences will become loving experiences.  The irony is that we also have to put into our suffering  a generous dose of love to act as a catalyst to realize a loving life. Life is a mysterious process. If we look upon our painful experiences with love and patience, they become more bearable because they evoke in us a sense of mystery and wonder of our lives. My favorite author, Marianne Williamson, puts it succinctly:  ”The meaning of life is that we love one another. The purpose of our lives, it seems to me, is to learn how to do that, so we can create a world where everyone is in love with everyone all the time. That would be heaven on earth. I would so love my children to live in such a world.”

Let me reinforce this concept of love further by pondering on the wisdom of Laszlo Kardos, a director of a non-profit organization, “For ten years, I travelled all over Hungary visiting the homeless  and the poor. I interviewed gypsies living in dire conditions    and Hungarian workers… In all, I did some 2000 interviews. The more people I met, the more life stories I heard and the more persuaded I became  that it is almost impossible to get to know another man completely. Every man is an island. Each person radiates feelings to others, but ultimately we are alone. For me, the essence of life is how we handle our loneliness. There are moments when we manage to resolve this loneliness through personal relationships, especially through love. But  there are also certain situations in which you feel truly alone, when even words and affections cannot erase your fears.”

During this special Christmas season, let us learn to appreciate this special unconditional love of God that Jesus has brought into our life. Love is an indefinite thing to most of us. Sometimes we don’t even know for certain what we mean when we talk about love in human terms. So it is very hard for us to visualize this special divine love that has no limit and no conditions attached to it. What is needed is an awakened awareness with a significant reduction of insincerity, pride and vanity in our heart. In short, mix this  awareness with lots of humility to welcome and accept this unconditional love of God in your life. Jesus comes this Christmas to show us that God loves you not because you are lovable, but because it is His nature to do so. Now Jesus recommends that you show the same unconditional love to others by giving us a new commandment, “love one another as i have loved you.” (John 15:12)  Let love be your best response to your suffering and the unfairness that others have inflicted on you. And in the process of responding with love, you will ultimately becoming a loving human being. If you have lived a life of love, this  will be the best meaning of your life.

Submitted by David YKK

X’MAS RETREAT FOR WOUNDED PEOPLE- #3- THREE INSIGHTFUL QUOTATIONS TO JOLT YOU TO PONDER ON THE MEANING OF YOUR WOUNDED LIFE THIS SOLEMN SEASON.

GOD HAS CREATED THESE THREE GLORIOUS FLOWERS TO REMIND US THAT HE ALSO CREATED US OUT OF SHEER LOVE.

It has been my great privilege to share with you three interesting quotations that I have just come across in my scrape-book this morning. Hopefully these quotes will provide you with some insights to improve your wounded life and enhance the inner peace and happiness by crafting a unique meaning for your life. The first wise person to share his insight is Elie Wiesel (writer, philosopher &  Nobel Prize Recipient). According to him, “Ultimately, life is a gift and meaning is its reward. So is the art and ability of asking questions. The meaning of life is to be found in the question that becomes encounter. Then every moment becomes a moment of grace.” Life is full of mystery. The important thing is life is to ask the right questions so that you can find the right answers- answers that are significant and can make a positive impact and difference in your short wounded life. If you haven’t started asking the right questions, you better start as soon as possible because life is really short. So short that before you realize it, life seems to be stumbling into its last lap (I am speaking from my own experience with life). Why are you here? Why are you suffering? Why me, Lord? But to get the right answers, you must look at your life with full honesty and no denials. Don’t look at life at you are; look at like as it is. This is the key to find the pearl in the oyster. In times of suffering and adversity, the elixir is hidden in the toxin. Or the Chinese philosophers will tell you, pick yourself up at the place where you fell down.

The second wise person that may awaken your meaning in life is Sue Ellen Radovich with her insight: “If I weren’t here, you wouldn’t have any reason to be here. One human being is pointless without another. We exist for each other. We are interdependent, emotionally and otherwise. God just put us here to take care of each other. That’s how it started; that’s how it’s always been.” Jesus was born into our broken world to give us a new commandment of love- “Love one another as I love you.” If you love Jesus, “Feed my sheep.” (John-21:17). Yes, who are the hungry sheep? Why are the wounded sheep? These are the sinners, the sick, the wounded, the homeless and people who have gone astray etc. This is the real reason of Christmas- Jesus comes to be the  Messiah to rescue the sinners and the wounded; he did not come to heal the healthy, or save the saints. If there were no sinners, there would be  reason for the coming of the Savior. It is precisely for this reason that Christmas was created by God- to constantly remind us that Jesus needs every one of his disciples to become his channels of peace and his instruments of God’s unconditional love. Yes,   God does not need you to dispense your `conditional’ love as defined by your narrow personal agenda. Jesus comes to show you how to break out of your personal flawed boundary of love. Jesus’ gospel of love is really about showing love to the other people; it is not about other people showing love to yourself.  Many Christians have assumed wrongly that it is the duty of other people to show them love. NO NO NO! The Good News is about how you can show your love to other people in spite of their wicked ways or their undesirable qualities. And in the process of showing love to others ( the undesirable people), you can sharpen and characterize your life with an edge of unconditional love that is similar to God’s unconditional love. This is the ultimate reality of Jesus’ commandment, “Love one another as I love you; by this will others know that you are my disciples.”

Another wise person, Adolfo Barcella, enhances and enlightens us more on the above concept of unconditional love: “Unrequited love is the meaning of life. We are here to love but not to be loved, to give but not to receive. Our mission in this world is to improve humanity and leave a better history than we found. Only selfless love has such power. Only love without interest or expectation of reward can change human beings.” Great words! Really inspiring words to make a difference in our lives this Christmas. So if you are suffering and stuck in the midst of your adversities, don’t despair because Jesus is suffering with you this Christmas. His spirit is alive  and the good Shepherd is waiting for you to call for his help in your hour of need.

Submitted by David YKK

(Please forward this positive message to your suffering friends out there to support them and cheer them up this Christmas.)

X’MAS RETREAT FOR WOUNDED PEOPLE- #2- A SHIFT IN YOUR PERCEPTION CAN CHANGE THE MEANING OF YOUR ADVERSITY & SUFFERING TO BRING INNER PEACE IN YOUR LIFE.

THIS BLUE GLOOMY CHRISTMAS CAN BE TRANSFORMED INTO A PURPLE CHRISTMAS THAT IS FILLED WITH GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

What is the meaning of Christmas for you in the midst of your adversity and suffering? Or what you see is merely bleak gloominess, more suffering and hopeless misery in this season of hope and love. What a paradox! For the healthy and the rich, Christmas is a time of receiving gifts, party, drinking and dancing. But for the poor and the sick, it is a time of blame- blaming others and ultimately blaming God for their wretchedness and their suffering. `Why me, God?’ has become a common chant for mind chatters in the heads of victims suffering from codependency, depressions, broken human relationships, loss of jobs, financial stress, chronic physical and mental illnesses. This negative mindset of blame gets you nowhere. There is simply no real answer to your suffering. Why not look into your soul and search for your answer there.

Yes, Christmas is a time to get out of your mental rut and dump your self-denials. If you are honest with yourself, Christmas is a season full of hope and love. This is a time to transform the quality of your suffering and your wounded life by changing your negative perception. Yes, Christmas is a special time that provides a Gospel moment to see things differently. Jesus brings abundant grace and abundant love to transform your suffering into  spiritual stepping stones. As a  human being, Jesus provides us a perfect model to cope with difficult relationships in particular and life in general. From Jesus’ perspective,a life full of pain need not be a life in hell. Pain may be inevitable but suffering is optional. Pain and suffering, when born with patience, acceptance, and  love, will ultimately be transformed into wholesome and authentic renewal and spiritual growth.

Selwyn Hughes, the author of `Every Day With Jesus’, enlightens us with his wise words to bring the best out of the worst, “disasters are bound to come to everyone – it’s foolish to think that, just because we are Christians, we are exempt. We are part of a universe that has been unbalanced by sin, part of a mortal, decaying world. However, though we may fall victims to life’s disasters, we are able, through the redemptive purposes of God, to turn them into doors of opportunity and step through them into richer, more abundant living… Others are baffled by life’s tragedies. Only the cross has an answer. Out of the worst, Christ brings the best, and makes life’s victims victorious.”

Without Christmas, a life of suffering is just one long interminable period of time  that ends with a meaningless life of desperation that is filled with hopelessness and helplessness. With Christmas, Jesus comes to change our perception with God’s unconditional  love that promises salvation and eternal happiness. Ask Mother Teresa why she chose a life of embracing the dying poor in Calcutta; or ask Father Damien why he chose a life of embracing lepers and serving them. Because Jesus has come to show us a suffering God -one who uses the cross to save wounded humanity. Jesus was born into our broken world to transform and defines human suffering with a radical meaning. He comes into the world to encourage us to carry our crosses alongside with his. He comes to lighten our burdens with love and meaning.

This Christmas, let Jesus show you that your broken life is full of meaning and potential if you have the courage and passion to dream the impossible dreams. Without love, your life is half-empty; but with love, your life can be half-full. The other half of your broken life can be filled with God’s unconditional love that will repair your wounded self-esteem and give you a new lease of authentic life.

With the divine love, it is possible to transform base metal into gold; hate and conflicts into love and compassion; chaos and anxiety into inner peace; and hell into heaven.  The tragedy is that we, mere mortals, are not even aware of this opportunity that comes as a blessing in disguise. Jesus comes in Christmas as our  Messiah to teach us the spiritual skills to craft our own master keys to open the doors of our flawed  perceptions. Yes, we have often overlooked the psychological law that your individual perception creates your own personal truths and realities. Today, psychologists and practical philosophers have discovered this truth- that we can change our lives by changing our negative perceptions and mindsets. Long long ago, before the term `psychology’ has been coined, Jesus had already discovered this truth  and applied it to heal the mentally sick and rejuvenate the spiritual lives of his disciples.

The real meaning of Christmas is the time to let Jesus heal and change our flawed perceptions and wounded self-esteem which are the primary causes of many of our human problems today. Yes, this is the season to take responsibility of our own negative perceptions that are pregnant with wrong assumptions, unrealistic worldly expectations, toxic emotions and materialistic values that give rise to extreme greediness. In Christmas, Jesus shows us that God’s ways are definitely not man’s ways and God’s benchmarks are diametrically-opposed to the worldly standards. The ways of the world are materialistic, seductive, sensually pleasurable, egoistic and self-centered. But God’s ways are centered on unconditional love- love of God, love of neighbor and last of all, love of oneself. This is a wholesome love  that is balanced and spiritually enriching and fulfilling.  Jesus comes to teach us the Gospel of the Good News that is based purely on God’s unconditional love for broken human beings. What wonderful news! The message is so simple, yet so profound and inspiring. This is the wonder and the mystery of Christmas that makes it a time for personal change, renewal and growth.

This is a time of simplicity; a time of patient waiting and a time of compassion for oneself as well as for others. Today, the spirit of Jesus is alive in our broken world. The Christmas spirit is here to bring hope to the hopeless, love for the loveless, peace and serenity to the broken in spirit, wholesome self-esteem to those shattered by shame and sin, and spiritual salvation to the depressed and despairing souls. This is the real meaning of Christmas because Jesus wants to share his love with you … if you will give God the chance to change your life for the  better; if you will give Jesus the chance to comfort you as your best friend; if you will give yourself a chance to grow into a wholesome loving human being who can live harmoniously with your neighbors and with yourself. May the real meaning of Christmas bring more inner peace and joy into your life.

Submitted by David YKK

X’MAS RETREAT FOR WOUNDED PEOPLE- JESUS, WHO ARE YOU REALLY? CAN YOU REALLY REPAIR OUR WOUNDED SELF-ESTEEM?

MAY THIS SIMPLE HUMBLE SNOWFLAKE BRING YOU THE GIFT OF GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THROUGH THE PRESENCE OF JESUS THIS CHRISTMAS.

Jesus. Who are you really?

As a student of history who has studied the historical sources of the history of Israel, I am convinced that Jesus was a real historical figure who has much more authenticity and validity than many other historical figures such as Alexander the Great or Julius Caesar, Plato or Aristotle etc.  Even the first century Jewish historian, Flavius Josephus (c37-c100) write about Jesus in the `Antiquities of the Jews’. 

In the first passage, called the Testimonium Flavianum,  Flavius Josephus wrote: “About this time came Jesus, a wise man, if indeed it is appropriate to call him a man. For he was a performer of paradoxical feats, a teacher of people who accept the unusual with pleasure, and he won over many of the Jews and also many Greeks. He was the Christ. When Pilate, upon the accusation of the first men amongst us, condemned him to be crucified, those who had formerly loved him did not cease to follow him, for he appeared to them on the third day, living again, as the divine prophets foretold, along with a myriad of other marvellous things concerning him. And the tribe of the Christians, so named after him, has not disappeared to this day.”

Other scholars like E.P. Sanders, Geza Vermes, John P. Meier, David Flusser, James H. Charlesworth, Raymond E. Brown, Paula Fredriksen andJohn Dominic Crossan have variously argued that the gospel accounts of the baptism of Jesus, his preaching, and the crucifixion of Jesus, are generally deemed to be historically authentic, while the two accounts of the nativity of Jesus, as well as certain details about the crucifixion and the resurrection, are more disputed.  Charles Guignebert (1867–1939), Professor of the History of Christianity at the Sorbonne, maintained that the “conclusions which are justified by the documentary evidence may be summed up as follows: Jesus was born somewhere in Galilee in the time of the Emperor Augustus, of a humble family, which included half a dozen or more children besides himself.”.  He adds elsewhere “there is no reason to suppose he was not executed” (Adapted from the Wikipedia).

Jesus, who are you really?

In the history of mankind, many great men appeared in the past to enlighten us on the way to become better human beings. They have made great contributions to the betterment of mankind. One such wonderful man is Gautama Buddha who has impressed me deeply with his wonderful concepts of `awareness’ and `compassion for others’. Another great person is Lao-Tze, the founder of the Taoist philosophy. has given mankind three great gifts- simplicity, patience and compassion for yourself. Other great spiritual mentors  include St. Augustine with his insight on the importance of humility; St. Francis of Assissi with his practical simplicity and love for all living things; Mother Teresa who put her great love for the dying poor into practice.

As a human being, Jesus has the claim of being the greatest person who has ever lived because he possessed such great love for mankind that he was willing to be used as a sacrificial lamb. Yet in spite of his greatness, the paradoxical truth shows that Jesus possessed lots of humility e.g by washing the feet of his close disciples in the last days before his crucifixion.

Through his words and deeds, Jesus has shown us that it is more important to be aware of the great unconditional love of God for wounded humanity. Yes, it is important to love God. But it is more important to be aware that God loves us deeply and unconditionally- just as we are -with our sinful or shameful pasts blended with our ideals and our beautiful dreams.

He is the most gentle person I have ever read in history or I have ever known in my life. In my limited ways, I have the privilege of studying comparative religions on Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, etc during my undergraduate days in the university for my B.A. degree (History). Yes, Jesus tells us in the New Testament that he has come specially, if not primarily, for the sinners. Yes, he proclaims loudly and publicly that the reason for his coming is to heal the sick and the wounded (physically and spiritually). Jesus chose his meaning of life and his mission to cover the salvation of humanity in general and the healing of the sick and the wounded in particular.

Jesus likes to mingle and interact with the sick, the poor and the social rejects such as the prostitutes, the publicans etc. When he was attacked for such perceived inappropriate social behavior, Jesus replied pointedly that this was the reason why he came- to heal the sick and the wounded because those who were well and healthy would not need the healing services of a physician. By his conduct and his compassionate attitudes, Jesus made himself extremely accessible to the public sinners and the dregs of society who were the targets of social marginalization and discrimination. The human beings found in Jesus’ world were mostly ordinary people -people who were needy and sick with wounded self-esteems.  Jesus did not like  mixing and rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty of the Jewish society. In fact, it is narrated in the New Testament that those  occasions when he interacted with the high and mighty often led to confrontations, conflicts and eventually his crucifixion.

If we look at Jesus with an open creative mind, we can see that if there were no sinners in our world, there would be no need of a messiah or savior. If there were no sinners, there would be no Christmas. If there were no sick people, there would be no need of doctors.  This is how Jesus sees his mission as the meaning of his life- to save the frightened sheep that has gone astray;  the despairing soul pondering on ending his/her life; to give love to the social rejects and the hopeless etc. His birth on Christmas is therefore closely intertwined with the destinies of sinners and wounded people. Jesus comes this Christmas with the message of the good news- that there is always hope and love at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark your tunnel may be.

I hope we, the wounded human beings, can look upon this Christmas with a fresh insight- that Jesus really came into the world to be the compassionate companion of needy people with wounded self-esteems.  He really wants to initiate a personal encounter with wounded human beings especially those who are homeless, helpless, hopeless, depressed, suicidal and people are in despair seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. If we can look upon Jesus in terms of a `great friend’ whom you  have never really met, you can be sure that if you are ready, Jesus is ready to come into your life to give you some real peace and joy to give your life some meaning and lots of hope and love.  This zen quotation will enlighten us more- `if the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear’. So if we keep an open mind and respond with awareness that God loves us deeply and unconditionally, the divine grace will flow into our hearts and souls to give us abundant blessings of real peace and joy. This is the real gift of Christmas. All you have  to do is to accept the gift of God’s love unconditionally and humbly.

May this coming Christmas bring you new insights about Jesus, the most wonderful friend you have never met.

Submitted by David YKK

Please forward this posting to your needy friends if you like what you have read.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT IN COMPLETING MY 3RD ANNIVERSARY OF THIS BLOG TO DISSEMINATE GOD’S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO SOME SOULS SUFFERING FROM WOUNDED SELF-ESTEEM AND DESPAIR.

GOD'S MYSTERIOUS WAYS ARE UNIQUE AND MEANINGFUL IN EVERY INDIVIDUAL LIFE IF ONE HAS THE EYES TO SEE THEM.

I still remember that three years ago, when I was in the US on vacation, I was pondering what to do with the last lap of my life. I was stuck at the crossroad of my life and was confused about my spiritual disorientation. I had frequently asked this proverbial question, `Why me, Lord?’ whenever I reflected on the mistakes and adversities in my life. More often than not, I simply could not find any satisfactory answers to the most important questions in my life. As a matter of fact, the more I stirred the water, the more muddy it became and the end result became an exercise in futility leading to more mystery and more profound questions. The only acceptable conclusion was to accept the verdict of this author, Brian Tracy, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

During those difficult times of feeling lost, whenever I pondered on the negative circumstances in my life, this profound concept kept coming back to haunt and challenge me, “The elixir is hidden in the toxin.” Yes, the more I reflected on this deep insight, I became more convinced than ever that what I needed to do was to find the answer or the medication that was hidden and buried in my toxic events and circumstances in my life. Finally I was convinced that the antidote to my inner poison and emotional malaise actually was  embedded in my personal adversities and mistakes. Look for your solution and answer there. Look with your heart and intuition, not with your eyes. As a result, the more I pondered and reflected on my life, the more proactive I became. Then I even applied the creative concept of recasting to change my perception towards my problems of wounded self-esteem . How can I make a positive contribution towards rebuilding a better world for other victims suffering from similar problems like those of mine?

I was sure that there were millions of suffering souls out in the world who suffered in quiet desperation and despair. On matters of wounded self-esteem, the victims are often trapped and entombed by deep shame and imaginary guilt that they don’t want to talk about. Hence, silence is often their worst enemy because this insidious enemy has the total freedom to run riot in their imagination. That is how such victims often become paranoid and suffer from delusion and distorted realities! That is how their warped minds become the devil’s perfect workshop! That is how they perceive poisonous snakes what other healthy people see as ropes! That is how the poor victims see their minds as half-empty instead of half-full! That is the beginning of self-hate! That is how their flawed perceptions create their own warped realities! That is why John Milton, the blind poet, shares the wisdom of his `inner sight’- that the mind is a place of its own, it can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven! What a wonderful paradox! One in which your own personal perception can make a world of difference in the way you see your adversity and mistakes.

Many thanks to the loving Lord for giving me the wisdom and the grace to see the light in my tunnel that was filled with  darkness and fuzzy distractions. It is God’s unconditional love that has inspired me to do something about the mistakes and shadows of my life and recast them into stepping stones for other fellow-travelers who can barely trudge with their wounded feet and bowed heads with wounded self-esteem. It is only God’s infinite wisdom that he had planned and provided so many intricate mysterious bits of the puzzle that I can only comprehend on hindsight.

He had planned and challenged me to take up this vocation of writing this blog by planting all kinds of embarrassing and shameful circumstances in my life -even when I was conceived in the womb of my mother who had an abandoned childhood when her own mother (my maternal grandmother) was forced to `abandon’ her to remarry another man after the death of her husband. Then years later my grown-up mother was compelled to marry my father, who was old enough to be her father if not grandpa! Then after my birth, my life was chained to the roller-coaster with more downs than ups; with toxic shame stalking me throughout my childhood, my adolescent, my adulthood until my old age! Most of the time, I was not in control of the negative circumstances in my life. I could only react to the negative events that kept  hammering on my already wounded self-esteem.  I have been exposed to my embarrassments and shame-based incidents much more than any normal person.  Sometimes, I just wonder why God has given me such a huge appetite for a wide range of wounded experiences, disorders and flawed emotions. The patterns of such events spanning over seven decades  were so intricate and well-planned that that the main dominant common thread visible in the fabric of my life is a wounded self-esteem. Lord, how can things be so bad? There was a  numbing  senselessness in my personal world that I often became disorientated and confused by the obvious contradictions that are simply meaningless. I suppose  the Good  Lord has a purpose in His mind when he wants me to go through all the various kinds of toxic experiences that would have shattered the personal self-esteem and faith of most people.

In his goodness and wisdom, the good Lord has allowed  me to be contracted with a moderate dosage of compulsive disorders related to smoking, gambling and massage. Based on my several years of reflection and hindsight, I am convinced that  God wants to ensure that I know what I am writing about- something meaningful and relevant that will be of practical help to the victims of codependency and compulsive disorders. He has allowed me to be put to the test to have  a taste of the bitterness and sourness of the lemons that are the fruits of my life. But at the same time, He gives me the commonsense  and humility of blending my lemons into a lemonade drink to quench the thirst of some suffering souls in our broken world.

I know that it is not easy to write on this difficult topic especially for a non-professional. The only expertise that I have is my own life experiences.  Most of the time, I have been grounded and hence forced to see things and life from the viewpoints of the victims who ponder and mourn about their problems at the base of the ivory tower.  I suppose I have the advantage of writing some meaningful stuff for the codependency victims from ground level- by a fellow codependent who understands the fears, shame and ugly thoughts and put them as honestly as possible in simple terms that the victims can relate to in his/her life. I suppose I am one of those writers who have the self-honesty to write about the hidden things in the minds of the codependency victims – the kinds of stuff that are unspeakable, shame-laden, and shattering for self-esteems. Yes, to put it succinctly, the kind of  stuff that nightmares are made of! I can write about my own toxic experiences because God has given me the faith and courage to rise above my life. In other words, I see my life as a broken vessel that God has used to distribute his unconditional love to awaken the slumbering souls suffering from the human condition.  Maybe, some poor suffering souls may be able to gain some benefits from my postings to alleviate their suffering and despair. On hindsight, I am convinced of God’s  infinite wisdom. Now armed with an extensive pool of personal experiences (the good, bad & ugly ones); a small library of psychotherapy books collected over the years under his guidance; and a sincere intention to recast my experiences into stepping stones for other suffering souls to demonstrate that the good Lord really cares and loves them.  Now this blog has become the meaning of my life because if God wants to pour rain in my life, then rain shall be my showers of blessings. If He wants me to be a stepping-stone for other people to use to cross their chasm, then let me be the best stepping stone that the Lord wants to create! This is his will and this is my humble destiny. This is the meaning of my life that the Good Lord has filled with love and grace. And I hope that He will make me into a loving human being who can fulfill Jesus’ command- `Love one another as I love you; by this will others know that you are my disciple.’ This is my deepest personal prayer- to play my role as a fitting humble  piece in the great puzzle of life according to God’s design and agenda.

In this blog, you can detect a little bit of love, humility, empathy, simplicity, forgiving spirit, awakened awareness, faith and trust in the goodness and unconditional love of Jesus, my gentle Shepherd. It is with the healing  grace and supporting presence of Jesus that I can cope with the emotional burdens afflicting my life. Just as the good Lord has promised, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you, not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” (John 14:27)

Submitted by David YKK

(Please forward this posting to your friends who may benefit from reading it.)

THE MOST COMPLEX PROBLEM OF HUMANITY, DEATH, CAN ONLY BE CURED WITH THE SIMPLEST TONIC- UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

EVEN THIS DOG KNOWS HOW TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY ANOTHER CREATURE THAT IS DIFFERENT AND UNACCEPTABLE!

Last Sunday, during the morning service in the Cathedral, Singapore, the priest delivered a powerful sermon on love- one of the best that I have heard for a long time. The sermon was related to the Sunday  Gospel reading on the crucial question asked by Jesus- What is the greatest commandment of all?  The immediate reply was the love of God followed by the  love of thy  neighbor as thyself. The answer flowed out naturally from the mouths of the disciples. The reply spilled out so automatically and mechanically that no kid in the catechism class or the Sunday school can possibly fail to repeat.

Yes it is so easy to utter words of love. But it is a different story when it comes to putting love into practice in our daily life.

The priest, filled with sincerity and conviction, proclaimed to the parishioners that this great commandment on love is a very basic law of Judaism and Christianity. We are called upon to love God and our needy neighbors. This is the central tenet of our religion. We can’t possibly love God without loving our neighbors because the two targets are closely interlinked just like the two face of a gold coin. Now the crucial question is to ask `who is your neighbor?’ Here the world gives a different answer from that given by Jesus. This is where Jesus puts his distinctive stamp on the great commandment of love in a rather radical way-an interpretation that would upset most of us. In the eyes of the world, the term, our `neighbor-’ has an exclusive definition- a term that applies only to our family members, relatives, or friends who are good to us and help us in times of need. In short, neighbors are those people who can scratch our backs when they are itchy or massage them when our backs are uncomfortable and in pain. And in return, if they fulfill our requirements or conditions, then we will love them and care for them. Yes, the world has defined our neighbors in pretty exclusive terms and anyone who breaks out of this definition is probably classified as `foolish’ or `stupid’ or `socially unacceptable’.

To make us appreciate `our neighbor’ from God’s perspective, Jesus provided an enlightening parable – that of the Good Samaritan- to see our neighbor in a totally different light.  From the rule-breaking parable, Jesus tells his disciples in no uncertain terms- that our `neighbors’ maybe strangers or people whom we dislike and who cannot scratch our backs. Jesus has given his followers an inclusive definition of `neighbor’ as someone or any human being who is in need of help and that person may even apply to our enemies or people who show ill-will towards us. They may even cover people who are the worst of criminals capable of killing, raping, or other heinous crimes. Why does Jesus give us such an inclusive definition of `neighbor’ and then command us to love such a abominable person? Jesus knows much better that every person is created in the image of God and every soul, in God’s estimation, is infinite value. It may sound like a contradiction but according to God’s perspective, every soul, no matter how broken, is much more valuable than the world! Jesus has compared the priceless value of a soul (for that matter any soul)l when he asks us explicitly this question, “What does it  benefit a man  if he  gains the whole world but suffer the loss of his  soul?” From our conventional human perspective, the Gospel of Love as proclaimed by Jesus is definitely a landmark teaching that bears the signature of Jesus. It is an outrageous interpretation of love for one another – a cardinal rule that leaves no room for alternative interpretation!

In the sermon, it has become clear to the listeners that there is simply no room for selfishness and self- centeredness. God created one world and Jesus came into this broken world to bring about reconciliation, love, brotherhood with unconditional acceptance  and unity. Jesus shows us by his life, his examples and his words that sharing and caring is crucial in the Good News.  It is not necessary to show great love by sharing most of their  fortunes like Bill  Gates, or Warren Buffett etc. What Jesus asks of us is simply sharing our time and  life with other needy human beings who may be worse off than we are  at this moment. Just remember that God looks at our hearts and our real intentions when we do good deeds and not in terms of the magnitude of our donations or services. Just do a little bit of good in your daily life by showing a little bit of love to the hopeless and the helpless people who may cross your path in life. That little bit of love may include money, time, sacrifices, some encouraging words or a listening ear etc to relieve your neighbors’ suffering and fears. In short, through your little acts of love, the suffering victims will possibly see the hands of God in their lives, thereby giving them hope and courage to go on bearing their heavy crosses. To put things in a nutshell, Jesus would become more alive to our needy neighbors if we, as his true followers, are able to bear witness to his unconditional love in our broken world.  That is what it means when we sing the hymn to ask Jesus to let us become his hands to help others; let our lips be his lip to cheer and encourage the hopeless; let our eyes be  his eyes to empathize, console and accept the social rejects; our presence be a reflection of his divine spirit to provide grace and love to the despairing souls in our midst. This is a huge challenge of being a true Christian. It takes lots  of courage and humility to meet the challenge of loving your unlovable or undesirable neighbors. This law of love as proclaimed by Jesus is non-negotiable according to his final instructions to his disciples at the Last Supper, “Love one another as I love you; by this will you be known as my disciples.”

Food For Thought

This interesting sermon has actually given us the master-key to unlock the mystery of the complex human problem of codependency. Now we know that the primary reason for the widespread codependency-related problems is the lack of real unconditional love for one another in our broken world. God’s unconditional love is the real panacea to the healing of all our human problems and suffering  related to fear, shame and wounded self-esteem.  Jesus uses this love to perform miracles of healing. Unconditional love is the most powerful creative force in the universe because the essential nature of God is love.Submitted by David YKK

(If you like this article, please forward it to  someone who may need some encouragement in his/her life.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE PARADOX OF THE RECOVERY OF CODEPENDENCY IS THAT WHAT APPEARS COMPLEX IS SOMETIMES SIMPLE AND DOABLE.

HOW DO YOU GENTLY REMOVE THIS INSECT WITHOUT DAMAGING THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWER?

Codependency often appears to be a complex issue that can easily confuse and disorientate us if our perceptions are clouded and flawed. That is why we need to look at the disorders triggered by codependency with an eye of simplicity.Try to focus on a few simple landmarks of our codependency -something that are meaningful and make sense to us. In the midst of chaos and complexities, we need to look at the simple recognizable patterns so that we can regain some measure of confidence to take the initiative to explore and  experiment with some practical steps to find out what are feasible and effective to cope with our codependency. Remember this important rule of  life- complexity  confuses,disorientates and immobilizes; whereas  simplicity enables the mind to focus one thing at a time and assists the victims to take one step at a time in search for solutions.  That is why it is so important that the victims of disorders must stay calm in the eye of the storm so that they can be liberated from paralyzing fears to become more proactive and explore simple solutions to tackle their problems. When you are sick and you go hunting for medicinal herbs, look at the individual trees; don’t just look at the whole forest. Simplicity heals while complexity aggravates your conditions.

Codependency is a people-problem and if you want to recover from your disorders, you have to be very patient with yourself and focus on your current interpersonal relationships where some of  the main causes are embedded unseen. Yes, as a human being, the quality of your interpersonal relationships is crucial for your recovery. Try to examine honestly without any denial what kind of fine-tuning is necessary in your interpersonal relationships so that there will be less opportunities for such conflict relationship problems to trigger or spark off an outburst of your problems. A codependency lives in a kind of emotional and psychological `spider-web’. Whoever enters and engages in any form of social interactions with you can be perceived as an outsider who moves about in your spider web or your personal world. A negative social encounter will trigger a conflicting event that will inevitably be interlinked with your disorders either negatively or positively. For a codependent victim, few interactions can be said to be free of impact; they will generally leave behind some form of `emotional hangover’ -the degree or severity depends again on your vulnerability and the nature of the social interactions. Normally an social interaction with a domineering personality will leave you feeling being bullied or manipulated into saying `yes’ when you want to say `no’.

Are there any conflicting interpersonal relationships in your life right now?Examine the insidious factors that can play an important role in triggering your disorders. Usually the causes of our codependency are buried in the past and there is very little we can do with what had already happened in the past. What is much more important is to examine the present causes that are acting as barriers to your wholesome recovery. More likely than not, there are some toxic interpersonal relationships that are aggravating your personal problems.

I would like to share with you some valuable  insights that I have gathered on my journey to my recovery. The first one is related to my success in getting rid of my cigarette addiction. I have realized that  in fighting compulsive addictions, it is important to adopt a total approach in terms of all or nothing, black or white yardsticks. Addiction is exactly like pregnancy- either you are pregnant or you  are not. There is no partial pregnancy status. You can’t adopt a neutral stance towards your disorders or accept any form of compromises. Either you are in or you are out. There is no in-between territory. Based on my past experiences, either I quit cigarette-smoking totally or I continue my love affair with this drug. It is very hard to reduce my daily habit from 30 cigarettes to 2 or 3 per day.  Similarly, if we want to recover from other forms of disorders, we have to adopt this mindset of turning over a new leaf by growing new shoots. To grow new shoots, the best way is to do some selective pruning in your life.

The second insight is to examine your present interpersonal relationships to do some fine-tuning with those toxic relationships. Codependency is  often caused by people especially toxic people. Are there any such people in your life in the form of relatives, friends, colleagues, relatives or other significant people? What are you going to do to minimize their negative impact in your life?  The tragic trait of codependents  is that they frequently want  to please other people  and hence they find it very hard to say `no’ to unreasonable or insensitive requests.

You will definitely need a certain amount of personal space of quiet and tranquility for a wholesome recovery from your codependency conditions.  Yes you need the space to nurture inner calm to cope with conflicting relationships so that you will not be drown by the uncontrollable forces in your broken world.  Yes you simply can’t afford to adopt an accommodating stance towards domineering disruptive people in your life. Don’t harbor the hope that you can eventually change them so that they can become a force of harmony in your life. The hard reality is that such domineering people can’t be changed for the better and the more likely scenario is that they will change you for the worse by hardening the negative conditions that will keep you enslaved to your disorders.  This is where simplicity can play a crucially-important role in liberating you from your complicated web of toxic interpersonal relationships. Only you can decide how you are going to free or loosen yourself from such toxic relationships so that you will gain a wholesome recovery from your disorders. Only you can weigh the pros and cons in such cases and what price you are going to pay to downgrade some relationships. If you are fighting for your life or fighting to live an authentic life, then it  may become necessary to make a break with such negative associations otherwise you run the risk of losing your real happiness or  the quality of your life.  Although you can’t control other people and their way of thinking or acting, you can exercise a large measure of control over your own life especially in your attitudes and perceptions. You can choose the various options on  how you are going to relate to other significant people in your life.  In turn, your options of changing or remaining the same in your current interpersonal relationships will determine on the pace of  your recovery from your codependency.

It is important not to adopt an unhealthy attitude of blaming others for your present interpersonal conflicting relationships.  There is no right or wrong party in the relationships.  You either have to accept the toxic relationship and pay the heavy price or you don’t want to accept and pay the negative price for it.  Many people are what they are. If you mix with an elephant, you have to accept its bulky size ; or if you mix with the fox, you have to accept its sly foxy nature. A fox will always behave as a fox because it is created that way. The important thing is to make an appropriate response to minimize the damaging impact of the fox and to minimize the opportunity for the fox to damage your inner peace and happiness. Once you understand the essence of a fox and once you have accepted its strengths and limitations, then you are on the right way to manage the fox. Only your awakened awareness will protect you from the conflicting association with the fox. Then you would have cultivated the proactive perception to see things and people as they really are and not as you want to see them. Many intractable personal problems are too complex to solve because the victims don’t want to see realities as they are; instead they want to see the ugly realities in the context of their illusions and make-beliefs. Hence the real problem lies in the eyes and flawed perceptions of the victims. Once they gain the real insight of the truth, then they have the seeds of the solution to their problems. This is the simplicity of the complex!

Take a break from your current conflicting relationships. Have a retreat to regain some inner calm to see things and issues with clarity and awakened awareness. Strike for a right balance between a love for yourself and a love for others so that you will have a win-win situation and not a win-lose situation. More importantly, be your own best friend to look after your own personal interest so that you won’t lose your soul due to unfavorable lopsided compromises in your interpersonal relationships.  This personal retreat of several days or weeks will give you the necessary awareness, the inner peace, the strength and the resilience to chart a new direction to emerge from your web of complicated interpersonal relationships. In the words of David A. Cooper, author of `Silence, Simplicity and Solitude’, “A spiritual retreat is medicine for soul salvation. Through silence, solitary practice, and simple living, we begin to fill the empty reservoir. This lifts the veils, dissolves the masks, and creates space within for the feelings  of forgiveness, compassion, and loving kindness that are so often blocked.”

Submitted by David YKK

If you like this posting, please forward it to your needy friends or relatives who can benefit from some of my insights.